GETTING IN TOUCH WITH INTIMACY

Dave in Phoenix
Sex Worker Support Cyber Center
PO Box 32835, Phoenix AZ 85064-2835
Promoting Intimacy and Other-Centered Sexuality

GETTING IN TOUCH WITH INTIMACY
& Meaningful Sexuality in a Sexually Immature Culture

The Touch Barrier
We are born with an intense skin hunger. Babies have a huge need for touch and if not available can interfere with their emotional development. As adults we have a strong need to hold hands, be held in someone's arms, to hug, receive a nonsexual massage, have our face or arms stroked, be cuddled, caressed, etc.

Somewhere between babyhood and adulthood we develop touch barriers which can be harmful to our well-being. Touch is a God given need that we never outgrow. Touch can be richly enjoyed for its own sake, and not just as a prelude to sex.

Surveys have shown that overwhelmingly most people do not touch as much as they would like, especially with the opposite sex, even when no other sexual activity is desired. We often cover up our need for intimacy by activities, sports, TV, work, church, or by using food, drugs, alcohol, or sex for only selfish physical pleasure.

Touch as Communication of Love
Touch is the most powerful way to communicate empathy, friendship, approval, affirmation and love to another. Our inner spirits can nurture and share with each other most powerfully through caring touch.

Touch as Physically Beneficial
Touch messages are transmitted to our brain through a network of over 100 billion neurons. Once the brain receives the touch message, it has powerful effects, stimulating the production of chemicals that provide physical good feelings, as well as good emotions by combining with certain hormones and enzymes in the blood.

"CBS This Morning" (1/19/96) did a segment on touch therapy and its benefits to people: Brain wave activity is increased resulting in increased alertness. The amount of insulin needed in diabetics is reduced. Hormone levels increase. Weight is gained faster in premature babies. Sleep patterns are enhanced.

Research at the University of Miami Touch Therapy Institute found that the person who gives touch via massage also feels better. Stress levels go down and visits to doctors went down.

Even people touching pets can benefit people. The presence of dogs or cats for people to hold and pet in hospitals and nursing homes often hastens healing and improves emotional as well as physical health.

Touch in Church
Touch can be important in developing a sense of community within a friendship group or church. Sometimes church's are referred to as "God's frozen people" since any signs of affection may be considered inappropriate for fear of sexuality.

Breaking Your Touch Barriers
With friends or even strangers in a trusted situation, practice breaking the touch barrier and together discover that healthy, wholesome touching can put you more in touch with humanity and yourself.

If you want more touch in your life, you must risk reaching out to touch. Sometimes you will be rejected, but the joy from the times when you can find another sincere toucher far outweigh the times of rejection. Be sensitive to the fact that some types of touch are more appropriate than others for new relationships or strangers. A touch to the arm can be a non threatening way to get a feel of the others comfort level.

Hugs - Example of Wholesome Touch
Hugs are easy, portable, saves heat, provides stretching exercise if you are short, requires no special equipment, does not upset the environment, yet makes happy days happier, makes impossible days possible, a cure for depression and loneliness and eases tension. All that is required is two participating humans.

Cuddling - My Favorite Sport
Cuddling, nude or dressed, with tender stroking of face, hands, whole body is my favorite form of sincere, loving intimacy. It does not have to be just a prelude to sex. It can lead to beautiful full body sexuality only if mutually desired with proper precautions for health and the emotional wellbeing of both people. I also refer to it as Caress Therapy that every fully alive human needs!

Sensuality, Sexuality and Lust
Touch is a form of sensuality, the wholesome enjoyment of the body senses God gave us for our emotional and physical well being and pleasure.

Sexuality is Gods gift of even greater pleasure through sex. Sex should be pleasure sharing at its best but also with concerns for health issues, protection from unwanted children etc. Many sexual techniques can be learned which, especially for women, are often more physically pleasurable than just intercourse.

Lust is the selfish gratification of a person's sex drive for their own physical pleasure. Lust is very different from mutual pleasure sharing in sexuality or non sexual sensuality through touch.

Love Can Be Sincerely Shared For The Moment
Love does not have to mean a long term commitment but rather sincere love for the uniquely wonderful human spirit you can share with at this moment in time. Love is like peanut butter ... it needs to be spread around in a sincere caring way. More people in the world are starving for love and affection than for food.

We without hesitation hold a baby, stroke a cat, but often avoid touching another person. Love needs physical expression, yet we fear it so we sit in loneliness and physical isolation, too uptight to share in the beauty of physical communication.

I Know You-You're Just Like Me
We all want the same love, intimacy, close body contact, feeling of nurturing and warmth of another, especially of the opposite sex, since that's how we were wonderfully created. Yet we often won't admit it or need to overcome past bad experiences or programming from out parents, Church or society.

How to Get In Touch
Reach out to others you can trust to discuss your feelings and fears, explore, learn and experience the wholesomeness of nurturing touch to discover that people who need people are the happiest people.

Therapeutic non sexual Esalen Massage (Link is in Liberated Christians website so back out to return here). Using therapeutic techniques of Swedish massage, Esalen massage is a unique style that also reflects an attitude of touching, caring, energy awareness and emotional, spiritual healing in addition to releasing muscle tension and other physical benefits.

Erotic massage techniques can also be wonderful for those that are comfortable with more pleasure sharing. Sensate focusing techniques can also be pleasurable without having to take off clothing yet can explore pleasurable touch.

Watsu Water Shiatsu Massage. Cradled and rocked in warm hot springs water relaxed by shiatsu massage and supported by water and another person. Can be also enjoyed using Tantsu massage on land.

Caress Therapy where cuddle and caress without having it to lead to sex. Massage Groups such as the Stroking Communities or Stan Dale/Human Awareness Institute Sexuality Workshops (Links are in Liberated Christians website so back out to return here) where you discover there is so much more to sex than just sex. Or Tantra which integrates positive woman-pleasure-centered sexuality with ones spirit.

Recommended Book
"Reaching Intimacy" by Jerry De Haan (unfortunately now out of print)
Of course you can not fully experience love and sensuality from a book, but for those too scared of the real thing...this book is a story of love. A male sex surrogate's perspective who works from his home with his wife under the direction of a psychologist. I have had the opportunity to meet the author and share more of his experiences. The techniques can be enjoyable for all, not just those seeking the professional help.

Jerry De Haan, a sex surrogate explores the special problems of sexual intimacy that women experience. Married or single, sexually active or virgins, women are referred to Jerry because they are sexually unfulfilled and seek a positive way to have a more enriching life. Jerry takes women on a journey of self-discovery. They learn about their bodies, and the male body, some of them for the first time. They shed ingrained embarrassment and concealment of their physical selves, and come instead to find pride and comfort in their natural sensuality. Jerry teaches a woman to concentrate not on how her partner reacts to her touch, but on her own sensual reaction to what she is doing to her partner and to what her partner is doing to her. Jerry was also the source of much of the studies that led to the medical community accepting the presence of the "G-Spot" in women.

American's Immature Sex Ideas
Our immature sexual attitudes, are due to repressive religious attitudes and societal teaching to be ashamed of our bodies and sexuality. Sex is so dirty it has to be saved for marriage, and then we are suppose to be instant experts! Sincere sexuality is not "given" away so it doesn't need to be "saved", any more than reading a book gives knowledge away. When lovingly shared, both parties are enhanced. Intimacy skills are learned not completely natural. Many loving people share sexuality SELECTIVELY with others. This is far different than sleeping with anyone. You need to be selective and seek sincere loving people to share with. Some enjoy growing intimately not exclusively with one person, or having to lead to marriage, but a sincere loving open, honest friendship. Some emotionally can handle only an exclusive relationship. Jealousy is the opposite of love, since it wants for self, rather than what is best for the other.

Europeans don't see why they can't be topless on beaches. We treat women's breasts as sex objects rather than just a part of the body. With sexual experience comes respect rather than desperation due to starvation, just like if we were deprived of food. Nude or topless dancing encourages immature men to ogle over a woman's body as a sex object. Titillation is the opposite of intimacy.

More To Sex Than Just Sex
Sexual fulfillment is much more than sticking a penis in a vagina and wiggling or pumping. Women know that this is often not the most satisfying sex. The goal of sex should be maximum pleasure sharing both physically as well as the beautiful feeling of loving and caring for the inner spirit of each other. Mature pleasure sharers realize this can be done without emotional dependence as long as both partners trust each other and care for the others' emotions as well as pleasure. Sex should be "safe" without fear of disease. AIDS is more of an excuse than a real issue since heterosexual males are acting as a block to its spread. Separate report available with facts not scare tactics.

More Equal Sex is Better Sex
There's been a phenomenal change in women's sexuality. Women are saying "I'm an equal partner in bed. I expect pleasure too." A lot of men like the "new" more aggressive women, and being on the receiving end at times and are learning how to please a woman and enjoy foreplay and afterplay. Studies show those that are able to communicate about sex are the ones with the best sex lives. We all need more oral sex - opening our mouths and discussing feelings, emotions, experiences what we enjoy the most or what we want to try.

Sex Is Good For You- Especially Women
Sex not only feels good, it's good for you. At least, if You're a woman, says leading sexologist. A session of passionate love once a weeks keeps a woman's reproductive system in tip-top condition, explains Dr. Winnifred Cutler, director of the Athena Institute for Women's Wellness Research in Pennsylvania. In a study of 700 women, those who had sex at least once a week were found to have twice the levels of estrogen as those who had sex less than once a week. And women approaching menopause who still enjoyed sex weekly experienced fewer hot flashes than those who had sex less often.

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